Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Chain Smoking and Asian Lesbians

The doors to the 767 sardine can are closed, Germany spreads out below me, and a child is screaming at the top of their lungs 3 rows up. Oddly enough I'm not upset with this predicament.

The reason for this trip to Frankfurt was to pick up my son for the summer. Mission accomplished so nothing can spoil my mood. The poor kid screaming his head off is probably in pain due to pressure in the ears. My daughter suffered from this on our last plane trip so I'm sympathetic.

No poker content, so in homage to the hard working crew at LasVegasVegas I give you my nines list.

Top Nine Odd Things About Frankfurt:
9. No Obese people. I know the rest of the world doesn't have the same diet as the US, but I felt like the fattest guy in Germany.
8. Only homeless people have beards. No I'm not referring to the wife of a gay guy. I saw a few stache's but no full on facial hair. (like I needed another reason to stand out)
7. Hot chicks. If your under 40 it is law that you must be a super model.
6. Toilet paper is rectangular. Instead of square sheets they are rectangular. I like this, nothing better than more wiping real estate.
5. Toilet paper doubles as industrial grade sandpaper. This may be the actual reason for the rectangular sheets. Makes it easier to attach them to electric sanders that way.
4. No toilet tanks. All toilets have the plumbing in the walls and a button to push for flushing. Looks cool but I wouldn't want to pay the plumber.
3. No door knobs. All the doors have levers to push instead of knobs to turn.
2. All Asian chicks are lesbians. OK, maybe not all of them but the first few I saw were and when you take #7 into account, wishful thinking may have gone into effect.
1. Chain smokers paradise. I know European countries have a higher percentage of smokers than the U.S., but every German has to smoke. Their are (and I'm not kidding here) mini cigarette machines mounted into the sidewalks every few blocks. You will never have to want for a smoke unless you have no money. I witnessed someone tearing up butts and using them to roll a new cig.

P.S. I'm flying with the laziest and most rude air waitresses ever. This is the same crew I flew out with and they were rude then too. I'm sitting on the aisle and every time one walks by they hit my shoulder. Never have I heard an apology or "excuse me". After eight hours of this it's getting very old. I hit the service bell located on the armrest and ordered a diet pepsi when they arrived. They then responded with "come on back and I'll get you one." Shouldn't they be bringing that to me?